"God Help us when our lives are in the hands of engineers."
- Ian Malcom, Jurassic Park
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Guide
Tuesday, June 3, 2003 | Permalink

How to build a [H]ardocp equivalent site in a few simple steps

First we must choose a Linux distro. Since we think we're so much smarter and more illuminated than the masses we'll use Gentoo. Or as we prefer to call it, [G]entoo. That didn't make sense, well neither do we, so let's go on with the installation.

We'll start with a clean machine and boot up from the gentoo CD. Once the kernel has loaded we must ensure that our network is up and running. On the console, type the following:

#> ping www.nvidia.com

Note, it's of highest importance that we always ping nVidia before going ahead with anything. If you're not getting any response, try adding this flag:

#> ping -fanboy-rhetoric www.nvidia.com

Once our network is running we must put a bandwidth limit on our network connection. This is the give the false impression that our site has visitors and the server is bogged down. This will improve our chances of receiving boards to review. This can either be done by configuring our system, but in true [H] spirit we'll do it the [H]ard way. We'll just tie a really strong granny knot on our network cable.

Since we're über-leet we're going to use a stage1 installation. This means we'll compile everything ourself. To ensure optimum performance of the final system we must set the proper optimization flags. Edit the /etc/make.conf file.

#> nano -w /etc/make.conf

In there you'll find some generic optimizations such as:

-O2 -mcpu=i686

These are safe optimisations, but hardly generate the best performance. Add the following flags:

-mgpu=GFFX -march=NV3x -static-clip-planes -omit-frame-buffer-clear -shader-replacement

These optimizations are not safe though, but valid and they are definitely not cheats dammit!!!

Now we can go ahead and install our system:

#> emerge system

This will take a long time, typically several hours, so that will leave you with plenty of time to come up with some random nonsense to post on the frontpage as soon as we're done.

Alright, once that has finished we want to install some basic services. First we need to install our database.

#> emerge mysql

Now we want our newsediting service and of course a forum.

#> emerge news
#> emerge forum

At this time we need to choose a Southpark character. Kyle is already taken though, but there are plenty of choices that will suit us just as well. A fat noisy egomanic would work, so Cartman would be fine. Or we may choose Kenny, a guy with a narrow view mumbling some random nonsense. Both these would fit our [H]-compatible site.

Alright, so the tasks above has completed and you have your news service and forum installed. Now we need to setup a site policy. Typically a site owner would have to figure out a policy of his own, but we'll use a shortcut and opt for an establish policy:

#> scp www.nvidia.com:8080/.policy ./policy

Notice that we're using secure copy, this is to ensure that nobody notices we just grabbed our policy elsewhere.

At this time we would want to send a 16-digit creditcard number to our favourite IHV hoping to maybe receive a "package" or two. Chances are that they will just empty it and leave you in the blue, but we're just clueless anyway and believe capitalistic principles such as using your market position to get advantages should only be allowed for certain small and friendly companies like nVidia and not by mega-corporation crooks like Futuremark who tries to force vendors off the market by using pure force. So let's just go ahead:

#> scp ./creditcard_number.txt www.nvidia.com:8080/creditcard_number.txt

Right, so our site should be up and running at this point. Now we need to hire a partner to offload some of the work of filling the site with clueless fanboy rambles. Note that only site owners are eligible for a Southpark character. Co-workers can only get normal names like Steve. As long as you find someone who's clueless, holds strong opinions based on info received from the Iraqi information minister, responds on feedback with flames, thinks he's sophisticated because he can look up information in google, can't take constructive criticism, thinks he's cool because he has the power to edit the pointed out errors on his site with even bigger errors, questions other peoples credibility when proven wrong, makes up his own rules on what it means to be a developer, can't take losing an argument, can't discern sarcasm from statements, thinks he's cool because he can threaten to sign up people for spam and thinks that forwarding a conversation including all the above attributes to university admins will achieve anything else than looking stupid; if you find someone who meets these requirements, and are happy with a standard name like Steve, then you've found a perfect partner for your site. Being ghei like the original is a plus.

At this time you should be pretty much set. Enjoy your [H] equivalent fanboy rambling site.

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Iraqi information minister
Saturday, August 9, 2003

OK, OK, so the americans actually did enter [B]aghdad and we actually did work with nvidia and [H]ardocp (they provided night vision googles and intellegence), but we are still winning this war and Saddam's sons are still alive. Wait, I was just passed a note and it turns out that the american's are not in Baghdad, but in a Universal Studios lot.

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